Monday, October 21, 2013

13 Days of Halloween: Zombie Apocalypse


Practical Items:
  • Water (1 gallon per person per day)
  • Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
  • Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
  • Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
  • Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
  • Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
  • Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
  • First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get.
Weapons:
  • Throwing knives are great ranged weapons that are silent and deadly. Throwing knives can be used to hunt for food as well as for fighting zombies. There are a few things to consider when choosing a throwing knife.
  • Char cloth is a piece of cloth that has been charred to where when a spark hits it, the piece of char cloth is turned into a slow burning ember that is used to start a fire in your tinder bundle. Char cloth is a valuable part of any survival kit and is easy to make.
  • One of my favorite weapons is the shotgun. Shotguns are a great choice of firearm for any survival situation. Shotguns can be used to hunt a variety of animals and can make Swiss cheese out of some zombies. What type and gauge of shotgun does not matter as long as it meets your needs
  • If you are caught off guard when the zombie apocalypse happens don’t fret, there are plenty of house hold items that can kill zombies. And no I am not talking about that leftover meatloaf in the fridge either. When it’s time to get down to business these five house hold items will help get the job done.1. Toilet Tank Lid. The heavy cumbersome lid off of the tank that holds the water on the toilet will make smashing zombies heads in a breeze. This is apparent in the movie Zombieland.2. Silverware. If the zombies attack while doing dishes or eating dinner don’t hesitate to put a fork in that zombie’s eye. Then follow up stabbing its head with every other piece of silverware you can get your hand on whether it’s a spoon or butter knife.3. Computer Keyboard. Don’t be afraid to get all QWERTY and shit. Smash those zombies’ brains in. This is only if you have a wireless keyboard or can unplug your keyboard before you are part of the food chain.4. Frying Pans. Not just for cooking, frying pans provide hours of enjoyment smashing and bashing zombies. Use Teflon pans for easy cleaning.5. Shoe Heel. Go berserk and beat the zombies down with the heel of your boot or shoe. Some odor eaters will help keep the stench away.

    Don’t just limit yourself to these few items. During a zombie apocalypse use anything and everything you can to survive. Stay alert and be prepared.

Most Importantly go to the rednecks. They will have everything you could need to survive. They are loaded down with weapons, guns, knives, bow’s and anything else you can imagine. They are your best bet!


Being one of the Not Quite Living isn't easy. The not quite living have been called many things in the past... the Walking Dead, the Living Dead and the most despised Zombie. Often misunderstood, chased and even killed on sight, the Not Quite Living have learned to adapt if they want to continue walking the earth. That being said, the Not Quite Living have put together a guide of sorts on how to survive the Human Apocalypse.

Practical Items Needed:
  • Duct Tape Let's face it, Duct tape has a million and one uses. But what better way to make use of such a handy tool than in First Aid. Think about it... You're out trying to catch your dinner and an arm falls off, pull out your roll of handy Duct Tape, reattach and duct tape it in place. Then you continue with the hunt.
  • Personal Documentation – Let's be honest, who wants to be known as Arg for the rest of their Not Quite Living life? The reanimated are people too you know.
  • Walking Shoes – A good pair of walking shoes is essential. Sneakers are even better. Nothing like trying to run away from an angry mob Breathers in a pair of stilettos.
  • Shelter – Someplace dark and under ground preferably. The Breathers don't like dark, damp places and stay away from them at all costs. It's the perfect place to hide.
Weapons:
The not quite living seem to have an inhuman like strength... finally, a plus to it all. This inhuman strength gives the not quite living the ability to rip it's dinner apart without the need for utensils. Pretty handy if you ask me.

What to Watch Out For:
Those Breathers are getting harder and harder to catch. They've learned to arm themselves and can often be found hunting for those they call Zombies. They will use anything at their disposal as a weapon. So here are a few things to watch out for.
  • Large Swords, Machetes and other cutting objects – Knives, throwing stars? Really? How is that going to help them any? The not quite living don't bleed and don't feel any pain. So unless the breathers are wielding something large enough that it can lop off your head, go on about your day.
  • Flying Shoes – Yeah, you heard me, flying shoes. Breathers have been known to take off their shoes and throw them. They seem to think this will distract the reanimated enough that they can make their escape. In all honesty, it just might. But while you're checking out the shoes that were just thrown at your head to see if they're a good fit, your dinner just got away. Worry about the shoes later. Catch dinner first.
  • Traps – If it looks too easy to be real, it probably is. That lone person making a racket walking down the middle of the road like an idiot is probably bait. The second you show yourself they'll be on you like a Kardashain at a shoe sale, using every weapon they have to take you down and bash your brains in. So skip the obvious dinner invitation walking down the road and try your hand on game that is a little harder to catch, you may actually survive the hunt.
Catching Dinner:
Eventually you'll get use to it and figure out your own methods for catching dinner. But in the meantime, here are some handy tips that may make your reanimated life a bit easier.
  • The Element of Surprise - You have the advantage. You make very little noise, shuffle along really, and have inhuman strength. The element of surprise is always the best way. They're not expecting you or they've gotten cocky and think they'll be able to outrun you anyway.
  • Hunt in packs – Like the wolf it is easier to catch your dinner if you're hunting together. The breathers may be able to escape one of you, but there is no way they will be able to get away from 3 of you. You'll have to share dinner, but at least there will be something to share.
  • Go for the Young Ones – You were a teenager once... probably still are, there really is no way to tell anymore. You know that at some point the teenagers will want to get away from all the rules and restrictions the adults try to push on them for their “safety”. They will leave the compound, probably in the dark, and if you're lucky, they're off to meet a girlfriend for some private time. Well will you look at that... now you have desert too!
  • Find the Rednecks – They start off more heavily armed than the other Breathers, so people will gravitate towards them. Truth of the matter is that it's a Thanksgiving feast is you can find their camp. Plus when they're feeling comfortable and safe, they start hitting the alcohol they have stored away in their stash. Wait long enough and they'll be stumbling out of their camp all on their own. It's like having dinner and drinks all in one.
The Not Quite Living aren't bad or evil. They're just doing what they need to in order to survive, just like the Breathers are. The Breathers hunt deer and other wildlife to survive, the reanimated hunt breathers. It's really nothing personal. Think of it as the circle of life and you may just come to realize that the Not Quite Living aren't the evil creatures people imagine. 

1 comment:

  1. What a fun post! I love the two sides...and will try to make sure to remember to throw tempting shoes if I am ever trying to escape zombies!

    ReplyDelete